perpetual motion, by definition, is the motion of an ideal mechanism that could continue to operate indefinitely without drawing upon an external source of energy. it was deemed impossible because of friction, resistance and because of the laws of thermodynamics.

i call bullshit.

i think life, by my definition, is nothing but continuous and endless flow of experiences, relationships and cycles in search for something (i don’t know what exactly my something is but i know it’s something).

i’ve been doing a lot of sitting with my thoughts and i realize how much i’m changing. a lot of the things that trigger me before trigger me less now. *plays yes i’m changing by tame impala* i still feel very deeply and overthink things but will less agitation. not gonna lie, i’m not sure if this is desensitization from trauma or healing from time but a win is a win? am i a machine in perpetual motion? who knows

so yeah, maybe (just maybe), while physics say it’s impossible, the entire human experience proves it is not. life will continue on, even with friction and resistance. after all, we are kinetic by nature, ever evolving and ever changing.

today, someone told me to stop being afraid of love and i really wish i came up with something clever to say but i was just taken aback.

i don’t think i’m afraid of love. i love love. what’s so scary about it?

what i’m going through could be analysis paralysis or something, but it’s definitely not fear.

i just want to be loved the way i love. either more or nothing at all.

how beautiful it must be

to be written about

to be written to

to be written for

to be translated into words other than my own

all this yearning

only to be no one’s muse

being a mean girl at this age is embarrassing. it doesn’t make you prettier in any way. this energy just shows how rotten you are to the core and no amount of thirst traps and makeup can hide it. stop projecting the hate you feel inside to other people.

thinking you’re better than everyone else is the unhealed version of you winning. if you have nothing nice to say, don’t speak at all. spreading this negativity to make yourself feel better is just embarrassing. you’re not as cool as you thought you were. arrogance is a color that doesn’t look good on anyone and all that bitterness isn’t cute.

the fact that i’ll always be just “cute” kinda hurts my heart sometimes

(i want to be fucking hot too)

i am my own refuge

i will save myself every single time

i’m 2 days clean (by clean i mean deactivating instagram) and i surprisingly feel more liberated than anxious. did i have a withdrawal episodes? of course i fucking did. i hope this hiatus ends before it ends me. i sometimes just wish that everyone else will just deactivate so i can post in peace without the fear of being perceived. it didn’t feel like this before, it used to be fun, now everything feels “scripted” (not a fan of the word performative). there’s still the itch to keep opening the app out of habit but like any other addiction, the cutting is always the hardest. THIS IS WHY I NEED HOBBIES, something to preoccupy my mind. i hope i get hooked on something more physical like workin out or jogging but i physically can’t heighten cortisol levels that are already high.

another reason why i decided to disappear for a while is because i have this feeling of being stalked or like being watched. i know instagram has a way in revealing a person’s followings and interactions (trust me, i’ve seen in first-hand). i just don’t like the feeling of obsessing over this idea, it literally gives me stress that manifests physicallyyyyyy. i also felt the need to distance myself instead of being fixated on figuring out who it might be. i try to avoid drama at all costs but why is drama not avoiding meeeee what the hellyyyy

big emotions for big girl.

i hope this week treats me better.

i’ll go bald if it doesn’t.

if i could describe how ovulation feels like in my first year being 30 in one word, it would be FERAL.

i’ve never had intense symptoms in my early 20s (except acne), but now my period cramps are worse and my libido during ovulation is so fucking high i feel like an animal in heat. i am 🤏🏻 this close to biting a brick in half. i might need to tie myself to a fucking tree because right now i’m a werewolf under a full moon.

i think, biologically and evolution-ly(??) speaking, it’s my body begging me to have a baby. it’s like my baby oven threatening me that if i dont go make a baby right now, i’ll explode.

honestly, there should be a support group for 30-somethings during ovulation 😭 this is too much

limerence finally wearing off is like watching the fog clear in real time. with the haze clearing , everything’s overwhelmingly quiet and cold and you’re alone,

there’s a very lonely kind of sadness that comes with this clarity but being sincere with my feelings is something i wont ever regret… after all, what is life if not a pursuit of human connection?

peace can be sad and boring at first but i guess it’s just the price we pay for the temporary high we felt.

and not every spark has to become a fire.

i swear once i get my skin fixed, learned how to do my makeup, lose weight, get my braces removed, cut my hair and fix my mental health it’s all over for ya’ll.