i’m 2 days clean (by clean i mean deactivating instagram) and i surprisingly feel more liberated than anxious. did i have a withdrawal episodes? of course i fucking did. i hope this hiatus ends before it ends me. i sometimes just wish that everyone else will just deactivate so i can post in peace without the fear of being perceived. it didn’t feel like this before, it used to be fun, now everything feels “scripted” (not a fan of the word performative). there’s still the itch to keep opening the app out of habit but like any other addiction, the cutting is always the hardest. THIS IS WHY I NEED HOBBIES, something to preoccupy my mind. i hope i get hooked on something more physical like workin out or jogging but i physically can’t heighten cortisol levels that are already high.

another reason why i decided to disappear for a while is because i have this feeling of being stalked or like being watched. i know instagram has a way in revealing a person’s followings and interactions (trust me, i’ve seen in first-hand). i just don’t like the feeling of obsessing over this idea, it literally gives me stress that manifests physicallyyyyyy. i also felt the need to distance myself instead of being fixated on figuring out who it might be. i try to avoid drama at all costs but why is drama not avoiding meeeee what the hellyyyy

big emotions for big girl.

i hope this week treats me better.

i’ll go bald if it doesn’t.